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English Houses

A poem written for my highschool inter-house play competition. The houses were named after the English royal houses, Lancaster (blue), Tudor (red), Stuart (green) and Windsor (gold). We won. Booya.

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My lords and my ladies, all jocks and nerds
My friends and my foes, oh unwashed herds
I fear you all, both aged and youth
Have been told to believe the most untrue untruth
And so I propose to speak out tonight
To see the most jealous of lies set aright

Oh, once way back when in a faraway land
Lived three powerful princes, each strong and grand
Each quite the stud and each quite the charmer
Each a real knight in real shining armour
Each muscle carved strong like an elephant's own
Each built, tough and proud to their arrogant bone
I’m sad, though, to say that they all were the same
And that, I hasten to add, is to blame
On rugby, steroids, MTV
And Takalani Sesame
(They watched it day and night, you see)

But don’t you despair, for there was yet another
Their youngest most bouncingest babiest brother
This handsome, intelligent, adjectived kid
Could complete any feat no one else ever did
Such as race against thinking of racing - and win it
And perform Chopin's Waltz in under a Minute
This wunderkind-boy, this prince oh so grand
Was known and loved through-in and -out the land
And as each girl hung him on her bedroom wall
The other three Princes grew bitter with gall

They loathed and they hated the Blue Prince – “klein snot”
For all of the “flippin’ attention he got”
Until their dislike grew to such a great size
That they plotted and planned and cooked up his demise
“I think,” said the Green Prince, all muscle and might
“We should snotklap his head in, in the dead of the night”
“Ag nee!” said the Gold Prince. “Too risky for us!”
“We must push him in front of a big minibus!”
“No ways,” said the Red Prince. “Even taxis have brakes”
“We must poison his morning bowl of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes”

And so they set off, without further ado
To concoct the most dreadfully deadliest brew
With the recipe-book and the bubbling pot
They threw inside everything that they got
In it went acid, and cyanide too
And petrol and arsenic and a tub full of glue
A handful of garlic and a snake ten feet long
And a hostel packed-lunch and a hydrogen bomb
Some funny green liquid (they don’t know where they’d got it)
And a Kurt Darren CD and the shoe of a hobbit.
To test their new poison they poured out a cup
Which they fed to the cat … who promptly blew up

Next morning at breakfast all three hearts skipped a beat
As the Wonder-Boy entered for something to eat
They greeted him warmly … well, as warm as they could
And prepared to say cheers to the Blue Prince for good
As the prince took his seat, took his first (or last) bite
The Red, Green and Gold princes squealed with delight
As he munched his last munch, the prince looked uneasy
He turned slightly green and started feeling all queasy
He leapt from the table and ran from the room
While the three evil princes awaited the boom
But the bang didn’t come! No, he didn’t explode!
He just hunched all day long o'er the royal commode
The princes were flustered, oh what had gone wrong?
They’d planned and prepared and thought for so long!
They’d made no mistake, and they hadn’t misread
By every account, the Blue Prince should be dead
But though the brew worked not quite well as it should
The outcome was definitely better than good
The princes just stared, their eyes full of glee
And they skipped away happy as happy could be

For you see, instead of the whiz-kid, boy wonder
There stood in the hall a biological blunder
All skinny and scrawny and horribly small
The Blue Prince looked naught like he used to at all
His arms lacked all strength, his face was all blotchy
His knees were a-knocking, his skin was all splotchy
Each person who saw him either fainted or screamed
At the ugliest creature they ever had dreamed
The villagers formed angry mobs that same day
And with the help of the FBI and CIA
They chased the poor Blue Prince afar and away

And so it occurred that the Green, Gold and Red
Ruled all of the land and left Blue for dead
But knew they did not, behind lobster and beef
That the prince had survived by the skin of his teeth
He'd evaded his capture by good fortune (the purest!)
And, disguising himself as an Australian tourist
He scraped by on food left in barrels of trash
So broke that he begged from the hobos for cash
The poor prince was seriously down on his luck
People shouted, “You creep!” and “You mangy old … creep”
But let it be said that, though stuck in a rut
With clothes caked in grime and no food in his gut
He survived every day with a clench in his jaw
And with the thought of revenge, he survived one day more

Then suddenly, one day, a stranger appeared
Wearing only one shoe and a scraggly beard
He walked with a hunch tucked in under his arms
Spoke only in haiku's, and sold plasticine charms
This mysterious hermit, of limited wealth
Took him in, fed him, clothed him, and nursed him to health
The prince was fed eggs and peanuts and steaks
And frogs’ legs and Nando’s and huge protein shakes
He trained everyday, and grew stronger and faster
For the hermit was truly an old Jedi Master
The days turned to months and the months into years
And Red, Green and Gold forgot all their fears
‘Til one day, the Prince said, “Enough is enough!”
He flexed every muscle, they were big, built and buff

Some time so much later and further away
The Red Prince was outside enjoying the day
When he heard in the gardens a sickening thud
And a squelching and churning of bodies in mud
He ran to the scene but stopped with a shock
For all that he found was a dirty green sock
He grew somewhat anxious, didn’t know what to do
Could it true? Could it be Blue?
The answer came quickly, the next day in fact
When the Red Prince heard news of a second attack
It came quick in the darkness without any sound
And Gold’s favourite shoe was all that was found
Now Red grew nervous, it was just as he feared
He sweated and shook ‘til he too … disappeared

And so, friends, you see, every man, every mouse
Had best fear the wrath of Lancaster House.

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